Sunday, 8 July 2007

euphoria and why i will never be a guru

i have always been a person of highs and lows. my memories as a child consist mainly of the highs, undoubtedly we discard unhappy memories and retain good memories to sustain us in life.
sadness and joy, discontent and content ... emotional states or states of mind?
at the very centre of me ... lies a place of quiet contentment, gratitude and awe at the wonder of living. i had not realized how divorced i had become from this happy place, until i rediscovered it. well ... truth to tell, the place reclaimed me!
my muse and i were having one of our, often inspiring, always intriguing conversations. i was trying to explain to her the warm centre, which spreads out, suffusing my mind and body with a delightful sense of contentment and peace."hmmmm, sounds like euphoria and that worries me", my muse is a psychotherapist ...
eryll and euphoria in the same sentence would concern her at the present time as i have recently had my dose of "happy pills" increased! i hastened to assure her that this state of quiet contentment was a familiar place to me. i only realized that i had been away when i returned....
of course, the moment we were off the phone, i rushed to my personal favourite and inquired as to the meaning of "euphoria" in psycho speak. interesting! and i quote...
"Euphoria is now regarded as a state which overwhelms the personality. In medical terms euphoria is defined as a form of mood elevation inappropriate to circumstances, brought on by diseases of the nervous system such as syphilis or multiple sclerosis." ... Rhodri Hayward.
omg ... nope, definitely ain't euphoria!

i digress, back to our conversation, which meandered along, constantly changing direction ... as any good conversation tends to do. until... we were expounding on the subject of gurus and i happened to mention that i might quite enjoy being a guru. (the wonderful thing about my muse is ... i can tell her anything, i share everything with her.) of course, she was never about to allow me to get away with such an outrageous statement!
"how can you be a guru, you don't even believe in evil!"
my total disbelief in the concept of evil is one of our larger bones of contention ...
i used to believe in evil and judgment and hell and brimstone. somewhere along my life path, i came to the wild conclusion that "it was all a load of ...nonsense"
i believe in good actions and bad actions. i believe our decisions to behave in one way or another are based on ...the family we were born into, the culture we grew up in, the circumstances we find ourselves in. i believe that as humans we often make mistakes and burden ourselves with incorrect decisions. i believe that some of us are damaged, incorrect wiring of our brains... which causes us to do unspeakable things.
i mean, really ... i have never had the slightest desire to set off on a serial killing rampage, neither, i would guess has your average human in the what makes our killer different, is it evil? nah, i don't think so. much more likely he is damaged, either emotionally or mentally. some people are violent...because they are evil? or perhaps because due to the circumstances of their lives, they are deeply unhappy, they lack self discipline. it would be great to believe that i am who i am and how i am because i am "good" as opposed to "evil". it is however... highly unlikely. i choose to live the way i live because of various factors. ...
it would be the easy way out to blame my "nastinesses" on evil, when i make a right decision, am i good. no, don't think so. i am who i am, a bad head injury and i might be someone else entirely ... cold hearted, lacking empathy, even violent. i am extremely grateful that my brain wiring conforms with humanities norms. i am extremely grateful that my mind does not crave murder and mayhem, that i was born with the ability to love children without the need to assault them either physically or emotionally.
in biblical terms ... evil is a state of being...a turning away from the light.... a deliberate choice to allow our dark side to rule.
i believe wrong actions and decisions are taken by damaged people. we never really know another, we never understand their nightmares. where did they come from, how did they arrive here?
in my opinion, in our modern world, evil is an antiquated religious concept.

1 comment:

animalperson said...

i won't be a guru either.

i tagged you with a meme. for the rules, go to . you can use it as a way to tell your readers things you might not say about yourself. although i'm not sure in your case what that might be.