home ... definition ... difficult ...

home ... definition ... difficult...

for me, home was always where my heart dwelled. in childhood and youth, home was where my parents and siblings were. we moved a lot! family and friends called my mom... moving minnie!my family were the magic circle, my support system and my safe place. where we lived made little difference, the family were "home".

at age seventeen i met my beloved manfred and my definition of home changed. "home" was wherever manfred and i were together, we moved as often as my parents had, following his career and our dreams. sure, i missed my family and friends when we moved away, but... manfred and our growing family were now "home". i would have followed him to hell and back and still have enjoyed the trip. husband, father, lover, best friend and playmate... together forever.

unfortunately forever does not always last as long as one might wish. at fifty four, i found myself alone, widowed and homeless. of course i still had a house, a house filled with the silence of loss. nights filled with the missing of his breathing, the absence of his sleeping, the intolerable sound of ... one less than two. the children were grown, loving and supportive but with their own families, their own lives to live.for the very first time in my life i had no "home",no home shared with loved ones, no place for my heart to dwell.

i survived... this year in october, it will be five years. five long years of learning to live alone. i have moved often, running from the emptiness of each new place. at first i merely existed, head down, the silence ringing in my ears, every familiar melody a reminder of my loss. but we are an adaptable species and life continues ... like it or not. we remember how to smile and then to laugh, a whole day may pass without experiencing the ache of lost joy. each day we travel a little further from our grief and a little nearer to our healing.

may 2007, i moved into a two bedroomed end of terrace in saltcoats. i rent my small house , i do not own it. i still live alone and yet ... i am home. as i turn the key and open my front door, i feel the warmth of welcome, the sweet ache in my chest which tells me i am home.i am one, i am alone and yet... this is enough for me. tomorrow will bring whatever tomorrow should bring... i no longer wish to plan my future, i am content to live in acceptance.
i am finally home.