Monday, 9 June 2008

a question of why





A couple of weeks/months ago, herself started to read “a new earth” by eckart tolle. Of course she was eager to share knowledge gained, insights inspired. I, of course thought…
“ho hum…another self enlightenment book, same old same old…”
In addition… of course, I had been feeling… well, unimpressed with the state of our relationship. We had been tormenting one another for months. I want you, I don’t want you, let’s talk, let’s not. My ego, a protective device of immense power, was well entrenched. There would be no wisdom herself could impart to me. It was perfectly obvious to me and damn it…most everyone, that any enlightenment to be shared between us would, in most cases emanate from me!
Yeah well, I have never been known for my humility … well, not up to the present time anyway!
And then… we reached our watershed. I was convinced that I had entered a hostile territory, a place from which there would be no return. I entered gladly, in the hope of an answer to our endless entwinement. I had not reckoned on unconditional love, on grace and forgiveness, on the sweet, pure energy of herself.
The witch ??? Are you referring to the witch???
I am…
we are never only one state, we are an energy flow through life, tumbling, changing, giving and taking. And whilst I write ‘my truth’ about herself and our relationship… it is exactly that… mine. Seen through my eyes and experienced through my ego. The biblical admonition to “judge not” a haunting call … stop, think, learn to be more than your ego.
As a result of herself stepping up to the plate, spitting on her palms and whacking the infidelity ball right out of the park…
Hell man, what more is there to say . I love the woman, I always have. Because of distance and matters of pride and ego, our entanglement, the mire of our emotions was always going to be… uh… messy? There must be a way, only an idiot would allow such a love prize to dissipate, decline, dissolve …en so voorts…
And so, I come to be sitting in her/our home, air conditioner blasting away, herself next to me, studying up on the psychological aspects of pediatric hiv, whilst I dip into the previously underestimated writings of tolle. Of course my ego adores his ‘rightness’, he and I seem to have traversed somewhat divergent paths to reach similar conclusions. Fortunately for myself and many others, tolle expended the energy to actually write his insights down, some smart publisher decided to take said insights to print. Result … a record, a reminder of the way things might possibly be.
I have not finished the book; I am only on page 109, about a third of the way through. I sojourned to the courtyard in order to indulge my nicotine habit. The courtyard is a somewhat magical space, surrounded by tall, very tall oak trees, casting shadow and light … the silky rustle of nature’s air conditioners. There is a green stillness, a present peace. Long island is baking, hot as hades… the birdsong grows still in the humid heaviness, even the squirrels seem to scamper a little slower. And I begin to wonder…
What if?
We were to conquer ego! Where would that leave us? Lost in a gentle sameness, spiritual beings in a physical world….
Surely our ego serves an earth designed purpose, it enables us to grab and grow, to fight and strive and impact on the physical world. Were we all to sink into the peace of acceptance, would humanity survive or would we have found our ultimate purpose, to die to the physical, rise above our bodies, our minds and leave the earth to the next generation of seekers?
For today, I will sip ice cooled water, read further the suppositions of this man, tolle and enjoy the sheer pleasure of my content at being at her side. For a while, I will watch with wariness for the input of ego and hope to find a little more enlightenment, a little more love for my fellow time travelers, a little more respect for the reality of others.

2 comments:

Drowning Pisces said...

Wow. This is powerful. As I read it I felt the awkward juxtaposition between peace and struggle. The knowing that peace is in front of us, around us, in us...yet we/I succumb to chaos, turmoil, my own will/ego much to readily to enjoy or be aware.
Thank you for this!

Hahn at Home said...

Gawd, DP is deep. You too.

Tell herself I said hello.

And, here's to further revelations through the end of the book and beyond.