love never dies

10.11.1941 - 06.10.2002
Manfred Walter Oellermann

a beautiful man. to be continued...

time together

bonnie scotland - i am home and once more alone.

one month in south africa with pj's fairly constant company
and now ... just me!

amazing how quickly one becomes used to companionship and how
lost one feels when back in the singular.

ah well, i will just have to relearn the pleasures of the selfish,
single life!

perhaps i am a little sad today. why today in particular...
because today the mann and i would have celebrated our 44th
wedding anniversary.
he would have made us a smashing english breakfast. perhaps
we would have taken a drive down the coast, stopped at an
old beach hotel and sat on a shady verandah, overlooking the
sea. he would have poured his amstel into a glass, the mann was
civilized, me ... i would have swigged my savannah straight
from the bottle.

one of our favourite places to relax and lunch was the
venture inn at umtentweni. a delightfully quaint and
old fashioned hotel, it had fabulous views, a good menu
and reasonable prices. i loved their ribs and chips and
learned to appreciate the wonders of tripe and onions
served with mashed potato.



it is almost eight years since he lost his battle with cancer.
i have grown used to living without him and yet ...
i still miss his company, his sense of humour, his searingly
brilliant mind. i miss the comfort of his arms, the roughness
of his beard against my cheek.

his love was a precious gift. thank you manfred!

a reason to celebrate

yesterday morning G came off the respirator!
by afternoon visiting he was talking and demanding tea.

some days are coloured golden!

i hear the hadida

i am home, under the african sun. surrounded by the familar, the voices of my people, the sights and scents of south african spring.

i did not expect to be here, i expected to be watching summer fade from my ayrshire window.

the unexpected has brought me here, here where i need to be at this time.

our dear g, my son's partner, soul mate, life love ...
suffered a massive heart attack last tuesday.

we have to wait now, while machines monitor his body and time accomplishes her healing. there are no guarantees, there is hope and love, belief in his strength and his will to live.

yay!! i am a non smoker!!

as of yesterday, round about 2.00pm, i am a happy non smoker.

many thanks to allen carr author of "the only way to stop
smoking permanently".

my south african son sent me "the book" - quite a while ago...
actually ...

i finally felt driven to read the damn thing. took my time,
puffing away as instructed, inhaling,exhaling, happy as only a
true addict can be when offered licence to indulge.
no need to stop until i have read the book.
never have i read a book so slowly.
somehow, along the long slow way ...
what the man said started to make sense!

my problem with "giving up" the nicotine habit, was always ...
the empty feeling of loss and deprivation.
i would never have imagined that it might just be possible to
be a HAPPY NON SMOKER!

if this blog sounds like an advert, my apologies. i have found
the way to free myself from my nicotine addiction and it
would be downright selfish on my part if i neglected to share
the happy news.

there is no need for me to write of my withdrawal torment. no
need to count the days and weeks of abstinence i have won through
willpower.it requires no willpower to become a happy ex smoker.
thank you allen carr.
i have smoked my final cigarette, i am free!

one small cloud

some days start perfectly
the sun shines
the birds twitter
they were doing it
before we ever were
and then
one small cloud
appears on the not so far
horizon
my hair is silver
or to define the colour
in a less than romantic way
salt and pepper
my eyebrows dark
until today
one white eyebrow hair
now youth has fled
leaving me bereft
my mind a circle of memories
and mourning
i plucked the fucker out


Copyright © 2004-2010 by Eryll Oellermann

sunrise

i watched the sun rise this morning, from the first faint
pinkish glow until my eyes burned.
the trees still stand stark and leafless, silhouetted against
the sky. from a distance winter architecture dominates, a
closer look reveals budding and bursting. new life
in abundance.

this year i will turn sixty two. sixty was a big deal for me!
one can hardly deny one's mortality when offered a free bus
pass!

i am an eternal child, steeped in the wonders of what if
and why? impatience and impulsiveness are my guides.
the careful remind me that we are not all the same, that it is
far more adult to consider, calculate and research one's life
options before diving in at the deep end.
i have named my new second hand car prudence, as for the
rest of my slightly wayward existence ...
each day is an another chance to breathe deep the wonders of life.
to experience the outcome of impulse - good, bad or
indifferent.

perhaps my life attitude was affected by my tango with cancer
at the tender age of forty six. the cancer was a shock, the
chemo shook me to my very core. at that time, in my certain
knowledge, people who had to endure chemo usually died.
a glass barrier fell into place, i lived in a muffled world of
my own, able to look out but separated from the still healthy
by the shocking knowledge of my own mortality.

time becomes wealth, denying any experience - a wasted
possibility, a small death. through anticipated loss i learned
the value of living.

today i am healthy, my body strong and reliable.i live in the
world and hear the familiar hum of our humanity.
time heals but i am changed. for me, each breath is a gift,
no moment should be wasted, tomorrow is no longer inevitable.