time for rest and recuperation. yup, my boy flew back to south africa yesterday. house feels so empty... he'll be back!
well... that was monday!
where are we now? yup, wednesday...definitely wednesday. where did tuesday go?
did you know? glasgow has a necropolis! yup, perched up above the city, looming dark and gothic ... especially on a grey and dampish day. myself, i would have been more than happy to stand... gawking in touristic fashion... from the bottom of the hill. i like graveyards, i do ... no really! but this necropolis looked foreboding, the rain heavy sky looked foreboding and man oh man that hill looked steep. plus i had already walked from one side of glasgow to the other... in search of dali's 'st. john of the cross'. the painting which had moved from where it should have been to where it actually is. my boy's tourist guide book was very out of date!
however... the boy wanted to experience and who am i to say him nay. fascinating place, the hill was steep but we kept being overtaken by joggers running up the hill! the wet kept itself to an almost invisible mizzle. glasgow necropolis, city of the dead...worth a visit. by the way ... the view from the top is stunning.
i woke up really early this morning. five o'clock and i found myself standing on the wonderful verandah which surrounds the beautiful victorian house in which i am so fortunate to reside. damn! that is one really long sentence!
the a77 was quiet, no gargantuan trucks roaring through the village on their way to the ferry and ireland. so there i am, enjoying my first coffee and smoke of the day. i am not freezing my arse off...which makes for a change. i am enjoying the half light, the silence and the birdsong. i find it interesting, that ... for myself anyway...the birdsong does not negate the silence!
there, in the gloaming, i could just about make out a bird sitting on the telephone wire. i have no idea which particular type of bird it was...but, this boyo could sing. a joyful sound, an ever changing tune. as my soul settled into the peace of merely being i became aware of a question and answer sequence between my neighbouring bird and another, much further away. were they talking...who knows? but great jumping jiggleworms... those two birds were communicating!
why am i, who i am and what really makes me tick? i have to admit i have been around a really long time now and i'm still not really sure.
i was talking on the phone, to my boy back home yesterday. we were discussing which colour black he was about to dye his hair. he is of the firm conviction that at this moment in time...his haircut is looking really preppy and that the sun streaked blonde he is presently flaunting is merely adding to the preppy illusion.
i forget quite where we were in the conversation when he said.. "you were really nasty to me ma, the first time i dyed my hair black." me...nasty...and to one of my precious offspring...nah! "i don't remember that pj, what did i say, when was it" pj chuckled... "man i think i was still in college, you and dad had moved down to southport. my hair was really long...remember when i had the pony tail? anyway...the black really didn't suit me and i was upset about it and you said... ' well hopefully you will learn not to continually mess around, changing your hair colour'... i was really hurt ma. cause i was already feeling bad, you could have said...not to worry it will wash out, grow out...something like that." omg!!! me, totally mortified... "i'm so sorry pj, who was that person...it doesn't even sound like me!" pj, laughing now ... "it's ok ma...you aren't like that anymore."
the memory of a young man, hurt by his mum's cavalier attitude towards his crowning glory.
i remember now, i was that person... boy children don't keep changing their hair colour! it was before... before he discovered he loved men, before the gut wrenching heartache of his coming out to us. i had already survived cancer, my sister had not, i had lost my beloved mother. i had already experienced the depths of pain and loss and despair and emerged stronger and (i thought) wiser. i should have known better, i should have been kinder, more simpatico. i was not, i was simply the me of ten years ago.
sometimes when i look back at my younger self, i marvel at the stranger i no longer really know. we are not set in concrete... we are a series of lessons, of steps, some forward, some backward, we are a work in progress.
omg... my head! shona and i did lunch yesterday. tuesday is our doing lunch day. we eat too much, we drink to much and we set the world to rights. as anyone can see ... shona is a bad influence! only kidding babe ;-)...love ya to bits!
today is wednesday, the sun is shining again, that makes four days in a row! my rainbow maker is working overtime and i am trying hard not to put the kaibosh on things by imagining that winter might be over.
my sweet lady rav is bankrupting me, she needed new brake shoes... very expensive. i should be so lucky to sashay around in shoes that cost that much. in addition MOT/licence time has arrived and today she visits her local gp (garage proprietor) for her annual check up...
a broken tooth ... a crown... a thought... a memory... the chair
i used to be younger well were we not all being younger then older is life's siren call
i used to have teeth which a mouse liked to buy then the market dried up and i still wonder why
as i grew older a new way was found i called on a dentist to be drilled and crowned
at first i sat up fairly straight in a chair in sight of his drills a dead scary affair
as i waited my turn i would hear that drill whine reminding me clearly it would soon be my time
to be prodded and poked with tools straight from hell the drills then were dry and burning teeth smell
now days it is different with water they drill and a nurse with a vacuum makes sure it won't spill
down your lips and your chin which are numbed up with drugs while your cheeks are distended with cotton wool plugs
the chairs tilt right back and the doc wears a mask once you really can't talk they have questions to ask
must say i am grateful for all their attention without it i'd suffer pain too ghastly to mention
i still have my teeth well most are my own as i grow older i find my teeth prone
to damage and breakage which calls for repair i just don't feel gorgeous with a tooth that's not there
so bless the dear dentists i'll visit a while without them.. well damn i'd be missing my smile
spider spider sitting tight in the dark beyond the light waiting for the night to start then to play a spiders part creeping crawling spinning webs watching people in their beds swinging down and climbing up looking for a bug to sup now if you lie there really still and watch a spider do his drill then you might learn how spiders work to see him catch a bug's a perk there was that old time scottish king who watched a spider doing his thing and learned a lesson through and through of how to fight red white and blue and send the bastards scurrying back in terror of the scots attack i don't mind spiders, well not much they scare me less than snakes and stuff of course they bite, sometimes we die but does it help to wonder why a spider does what he must do he sometimes moves right in with you and lives beside you quite unknown and then he bites...his covers blown!
i have never been interested in shoes. shoes are things you wear on your feet until they wear out and then you have to buy a new pair. and then... while shopping in new york with my ex, i discovered... converse all star boots!!! i am obsessed... if i had my way and sufficient finances... i would buy a different pair at least once a month. no really!
i only buy and eat small bananas and small pineapples. people who eat the big ones just don't know better.
i have a thing about not using my brakes on corners. if i have to brake, i feel incompetent and unskilled. hill country with plenty of bends...wow...what a challenge and no creeping along either. have faith, push her into the corners, feel the rush.
if i can't sleep, i smoke and drink coffee...works every time.
i am so laid back. if i sit still, i fall asleep. movies, stage shows, doctors waiting rooms... sleeping is one of the few things i really excel at.
i can eat four chocolate/cream eclairs and three cadbury creme eggs in a row and only regret my action when the last crumb is finished.
i love to dip chicken in nando's garlic sauce... can't find it here in the uk...woe is me ;-)
sunday i took one small step back into the scary world of dating.
i am not that sure about my readiness to embark on this new adventure. i am not at all sure i even want to. but... heck man ... the clock is ticking. my sell by date is rapidly approaching...
so i gathered my courage, sidled over to the dating ladder...thought of a hundred good reasons for chickening out. spoke firmly with myself. after all it was only coffee... and in the morning nogal! tentatively i placed a nervous foot on the first rung of the dating ladder.
she had the most beautiful, brilliant, light green eyes i have ever seen. and let us not forget that i have been around a while! she did not bite, i could understand nearly ninety percent of what she said, she was funny and nice. just a woman looking for love. she paid for my coffee - always an excellent sign.she assured me that she enjoyed loud music, loved children and was not about to become a vegetarian...she even smokes ;-) there we are...practically perfect!
no violins, but on the other hand, the sky did not fall. we had an enjoyable conversation. the lady in question is eager to see me again, i have been invited up to visit her at home ... she lives on the east coast of scotland, about 35 minutes from edinburgh. she will be down in my part of the world until friday and we have agreed to meet again on thursday, before she leaves for home.
the drama started tuesday. my lady rav has been recalled, summat to do with the (I think) front coil springs. now, my lady was born in 1997 and has taken the rough with the smooth for 127000+ miles, i feel sure she is not going to perform some dangerous manouvre at this stage of the game. however... all things being equal... toyota intend to fix her coil springs ...or whatever... geez i'm such a techie...for free. i have this warm fuzzy feeling that they might feel the need to chisel off some of that good ayrshire mud which caresses my sweethearts underbelly. what if she was to come home bright and shiney? summer is just around the corner? the worst of the mud is over? perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...
i digress... i needed to be in ayr at 8.00 am, ayr is roughly an hour from my village, which meant i needed to leave 6.45am, the latest, to allow for traffic. i cannot abide being late for anything! so i was up really early, showered, shampooed and gorgeous. my sweet rav said "no way" and refused to start... i tried everything to no avail. why today baby, why today???
i cancelled our appointment with the car doctors.
my dear boy... of course... thought i had flooded her... yeah right... like i haven't been driving for an unmentionable amount of time... he could not get her started either.
eventually i took a walk up to our local garage, where competent looking men in greasy overalls tinker... with expertise.i explained the problem...
garage man "you down at the BRICC?
g man "be down in a bit"
ten minutes later he pulled in next to my lady rav and proceeded to tinker. she obviously enjoyed the attention and eventually started.
me "is it something serious?"
g man "just a wee bit of damp".
no charge... no charge! holy mackerel! they do have some strange ways in the village.
we have a new appointment in ayr... me and my lady rav. monday we try again will she, won't she...
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Mary Oliver
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
"There are too many people, and too few human beings." Robert Zend
"Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands, and then eat just one of those pieces."